i was thankful, for a change
still i feel the guilt build
no matter what you have
or what youve lost
you will always be tired

everyone's off having a grand old time
while im off wondering what im doing wrong
forced into so many ridiculous situations
pretending to listen to open conversation
i know the cure to so many bad habits
yet im confined into this little corner store
sipping coffee and reading a paper
wondering when and why the world will end
happiness is not the word that comes to mind
when everything comes crashing down
theyve got their cameras clicking
while youre clutching your mouth
and curled up in the safest position
it doesnt end till someone says
"roll the credits already, for god's sake."

i just want the world to believe that i am happy
the fundamental smile that i carved into my face
it will never mean a thing.

(written september 18 2006: before there was a fear of slow death)